No Rain, No Flowers

It took me 30 lbs and 3 yrs to admit I was depressed even after a therapist told me so @ my second appointment.  I never went back.  I didn't have the "time/money" (balls).  But I do have God.  Disclaimer:  if you need meds take your meds. But also pray. I drank & ate A LOT.  I also cried... randomly.  I recently read that "the heart of everything we cry about is 'what may have been'" which is Tripas True.  As in SO true you feel it in your tripas (guts/innards).  

I tried to explain to C that I needed to do this and why but I just teared up every time. So when I told my mom last night what I was doing today & she immediately disapproved all I could say was "listen -  the miscarriage BROKE me emotionally more than anything in my life EVER.  I have a tribal tramp stamp tattooed on my ass, THIS is different. She said "you know how I feel but what can I do?"  *long pause*  "You NEED to name that baby." 

"I NEED to go home"... I gathered my things and as I held back tears & kissed her goodbye I cracked - "Francesca Ynez. I named her 3 years ago." 

Marigolds: traditional Dia de Muertos flower

Forget Me Nots: "to help you to remember" *clap, clap*

Psalms 147:3 because as I sit here I testify that HE DOES  

Love & miss you baby girl   ➡🖤✝

FRIDAm (freedom)

Sometimes I paint.  I love it.   But who has time, really?  I usually paint when I'm feeling something so deep that I can't write it down (yet).   I find that the colors,  not necessarily what I use them to shape - are what helps.  Last year I was very sad and I started a winter landscape.   It felt heavy and unbearable.   So much so that I couldn't finish it.   I hate snow.   I hate being cold.   I let it dry and shoved it to the back of the hallway closet - "I cant." Yesterday I dug it out.  I was ready.   I added color.  Icy water.   Northern lights.   A shooting star.   It was finished.   The weight of winter was beginning to lift and the colors in the sky were proof.  I don't hate it anymore.   It's a good story that I haven't finished telling with words.